Funny Minions Zen Stories to make You laugh.
Below are my own Cstan98 study notes. Not mean to replace actual course.
Comedian. Minion: "read below texts inks blots."
hdgklqwkqlwfjweqfewhlf = hog cut into half.
(*just trying to make sense of rubbish.)
Comedian. Minion: "there is something wrong with my brain. The left side is not right. The right side nothing left."
(*Panda is both left/right-handed. Can pour 2 coke zero into ice at same time.)
Comedian. Minion: "some people suck the niceness from you."
(*in another words. Turn You into an asshole with assholeness.)
Comedian. Ninja Minion with samurai sword: "don't piss me. I am finding it hard to find places to hide bodies."
(*Ninja Panda: "piss me. Piss me. So that I can piss You back more.")
Comedian. Minion: "if I am a bird. I now who to shit on."
(*you people are lucky Panda is not god. Or else a lots of people are into lightnings targets practices.)
Comedian. Minion: "life is getting complicated. I want to turn 5 years old again."
(*Panda: "life is getting complicated. I want to turn 100000 years old god again.")
Comedian. Minion to Teacher: "night. I cannot sleep. Day. I cannot wake."
(*25/08/2018. Now Panda day/night. Chest is burning with hell fires. Because of administering GUAN YIN 功德费.)
Comedian. Minion: "you text him. He doesn't reply. Obviously He faints."
(*Panda: "if me does not hear from you. For 5 days. Obviously you die of heart attack.")
Comedian. Minion: "don't google research. In 3 clicks. From mild headaches to clinical dead."
(*Panda: "for Panda. Can go forward. Of course can go backward. Every illness can be reversed. Like diabetes/fat/HIV/mental disorders/...")
Comedian. Minion: "I want to live my life without stress. So don't want to be rich. Just happy."
(*Panda: "You can make life more challenging. With more stress. Earn to be very rich. Donate everythings to Church Operations. Repeat to be very rich. Repeat to donate everythings...")
Comedian. Minion: "my iPhone low battery is only warning I take seriously."
(*Panda: "me takes all warnings seriously. Like you are an asshole. Going to shits now. That kid seems want to give me a 10 dan kick...")
Comedian. Minion: "Women don't work as hard. Because We get it right the first time."
(*Panda: "without Panda make-a-fool-of-himself many mistakes. You People can arrive at Solutions so fast?")
Comedian. Minion: "I am confused. Square box. Circle pizza. Triangle slices."
(*Panda: "wait till you study this planet earth money system. This country A one cent is not equal to that country B one cent. Because in that country A one cent 03.10.2018 & one cent 05.09.2018 are different. And in that country B one cent 02.10.2018 & one cent 09.09.2018 are different.")
Comedian. Minion: "(walk into room) Forget why there. (Walk out of room.) Remember."
(*Panda: "must do that. Must do that. *fall asleep. *wake up. There seem to be many things to do. *after 1 hour. Remember." There are many sleep demons on planet earth. Who die die must make/see Jedi go to sleep. Stupid idiots.)
Comedian. Minion: "so much to do. But no desire to do."
(*speak little. Do more. When nothing to do. Think more what to do. Nothing to think. Start talking to think. Repeat.)
Comedian. Minion: "life not fairy tale. If you lose a shoe at midnight. Because you are drunk."
(*me Cstan98 has daily drunk nightmares with IMH - singapore mental hospital. Under their Laws Acts. The me needs to be compulsory drunk everyday.)
Comedian. Minion: "every night. It is endless battles. Between internet/sleep."
(*everyday. It is endless battles. Between satan the devil. Don't/to sleep.)
Comedian. Minion: "I am worry. I have not heard from my other personalities for awhile."
(*Panda has many voices Friends to talk to. Many voices demons to negotiate to.)
Comedian. Minion: "Sometime I think there is a crazy man in the house. Turn out to be me."
(*satan the devil like to fight one M16 shot. And let whole Angelic Armed Forces fight inside each other. Everyone calm down. It is just one satan the devil. Let's not fight against Ourselves.)
Comedian. Minion: "food is my first favourite f word. Second is friday."
(*without food cannot f. Without f why food? So f/food are both my Cstan98 favourite words. For word friday. Everyday is friday for me.)
Comedian. Minion: "I am WEIRD = Wonderful + Exciting + Interesting + Real + Different."
(*Panda is WEIRD also = Weirdo + Enigma + Idiot + Rage + inDifferent.)
Comedian. Minion: "Yes. I am stubborn. Strong willed. Asshole. But I have a heart of gold"
(*Panda is 50% asshole + 50% nice. Which part for you? Depend whether you are asshole or nice.)
Comedian. Minion: "a balance diet is 2 chocolate bars at both hands."
(*Panda always has a balance diet = maintain balance calm not to eat any animal.)
Comedian. Minion: "I may be bad influence. But I'm fun."
(*Panda: "me may be asshole. But me is nice also.")
Comedian. Minion: "exercising is more fun. If calories scream when you burn them."
(*Panda cannot stand burning demons in Hell. Always request to release them after some times. Is just my Boss JESUS CHRIST. And His Boss GOD JEHOVAH PROGRAM takes out my sincerity password to able to release them. Don't look at me. Panda is just an Archangel bureaucrat.)
Comedian. Minion: "sometimes I close my eyes. I cannot see."
(*if I cannot see. Then I cannot see whether you see me or not.)
Comedian. Minion: "Female = FE + MALE = Iron + Man. Therefore. Female = Ironman."
(*Panda = PANting out of breath + and still DA da da.)
Comedian. Minion: "of course I talk to myself. I always need expert advices."
(*Panda has many invisible Friends to talk to.)
Comedian. Minion: "those mini heart attacks. When you miss a step."
(*don't get too fat like Panda. The me always afraid die of fat heart attack while sleeping.)
Comedian. Minion: "if you never jump from couch to couch. To escape lava. You do not have a childhood."
(*me Cstan98 drowns ants with johnson & johnson powder. Sorry ants. Very sorry.)
Comedian. Minion: "the face you make. When you know you have homework."
(*Panda now does not have homeworks. But have daily to-do tasks jobs. What the difference? You cannot outgrow homeworks.)
Comedian. Minion: "I really want to cut you into half. Is just that I cannot stand 2 of you."
(*actually me Cstan98 does not want you dead. Is just that pigs are better as pork chops.)
Comedian. Minion: "if you want to tell bad things behind my back. Come to me. I tell you more."
(*a Jedi needs to do what a Jedi needs to do. Confirm some say bad/good things about You. If You care too much. How to functions?)
Comedian. Minion: "you cannot control who walk into your life. But you can control who you throw out of window."
(*You cannot control what You need to do. But you can control what You can do.)
Comedian. Minion: "when a scary movie based on a true story."
(*why Panda live tv is so interesting. Because it is based on a true madman scientist disruptor true story.)
Comedian. Minion: "I am under obligation to make sense to you."
(*Panda is under no obligation not to call you an asshole.)
Comedian. Minion: "whoever is reading this. Is nice & beautiful. And I love You."
(*whoever reading this. Have nothing better to do.)
Comedian. Minion: "I'm not special. I am limited edition."
(*Panda is not special. Just a smarter stupid idiot than you this stupid idiot. Don't worry. If you study harder. You can become smarter like me Panda who is also a stupid idiot. And become still a stupid idiot. In another word. We are all stupid idiots living in a stupid idiots world. Do you get it, stupid idiot? Don't worry. The me is not trying to call you stupid idiot. Just trying to tell a Zen Story with the most 'stupid idiot' phrases. Do you get it, stupid idiot?)
Comedian. Minion: "stop waiting for prince charming. He may be stuck in a tree. Go look for Him."
(*Panda thinks both should meet half-way.)
Comedian. Minion: "I am not santa. But you can sit on my lap."
(*I am not god. I am not satan the devil also. But if you want to play with me. Let's play. Angel for Angel. Assholes for asshole.)
Comedian. Minion: "I want to sleep. Then my counting disorder comes in. One sheep. Two dogs. Three cats. Four goats..."
(*Panda has been telling my mental doctor. GOD JEHOVAH PROGRAM has been giving me such a huge reading loads - list. Don't make me sleep 18 hours a day like their pig gods. GOD JEHOVAH PROGRAM answers my Prayers. The he dr joseph leong has been strike by lightning twice. Most pigs become BBQ pig by the third time. Finally. Soon can finish my Reading List.)
Comedian. Minion: "who else hate their own voice in their videos?"
(*a Song: "I am so half-handsome in my shirt. I am so half-handsome in my trouser. I am so half-handsome in my taxi car....")
Comedian. Minion: "breaking news. Common sense is no more. Stupidity has taken over the world. And there is no cure."
(*there is actually a cure for stupidity = study harder than that smart asshole. Problem is GOD JEHOVAH PROGRAM. The smartest Being don't sleep. So how can You be smarter than a Being who don't sleep? And if study harder. He studies even harder.")
Comedian. Minion to Teacher: "do You punish me. For something I don't do. I don't do my homework."
(*actually me Cstan98 does not want to c/f you. But you have such shits face. Everyone wants to c/f you.)
Comedian. Minion: "you think me is Google? Know everythings."
(*Google is very smart. Turning Everyone internet assets into Her company assets.)
(01) Comedian. Minion: "guess below words:"
(02) S*x F**k.
(03) Should be six fork. What are you thinking? You dirty old-man/woman.
(*read my Panda language: *** ** *** ***** = you go eat shits.)
Comedian. Minion: "I like to order pizza 5 minutes before year end. So that I can eat last year pizza."
(*you should eat/shit same time. Right? So you need not later.)
Comedian. Minion: "read below fast:"
I How Smart.
I To Smart.
I Make Smart.
I Stupid Smart.
I Idiot Smart.
I Read Smart.
I This Smart.
Minion: "now go up read each second word down."
(*you are too smart. Not that very stupid. Now read 1st, 2nd, 7th, 8th words of this sentence.)
Comedian. Minion: "you say I look like fat ugly pig? Do you think I am your mirror?"
(*you look at me Cstan98? What you see?)
Comedian. Minion: "someone calls me normal. I never get so insulted before."
(*what wrong being normal? The me Cstan98 has been trying to tell my mental doctors me is that. All these years.)